Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
