Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
