I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize