a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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