He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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