Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
