Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
