I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Operation Purity has been aborted
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
