I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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