in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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