**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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