I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
