I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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