Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
