Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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