You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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