Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Found your dick twin last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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