Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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