the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
