Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
