Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
