it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize