I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
either way he was missing a nipple.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
