life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
