I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
40s are totally the cure
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
