I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize