I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize