I think my fart just growled at me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
