He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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