His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
