I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
