I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize