Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
