The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
