It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
