I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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