If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
