dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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