Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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