Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
