Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
