The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize