he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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