Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
