sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
