What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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