I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
