my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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