The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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