fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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