apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
