I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
