I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
