Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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