I heard we made out
I hate all girls vehemently.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
