I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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