I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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