My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
