I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
