Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
