i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hell yes lets make some ravioli
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
