Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
