If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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