If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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