Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
