the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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