I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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