1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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