he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
