so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
