We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
