____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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