If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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